Two nights ago, I reached a milestone. I doubt it’s one many other parents reach. I doubt it’s a milestone other people would even consider. But for me, it was major! My daughter is 7-years-old and has had many sleepovers at other people’s houses. I can’t even begin to think of how many parents have hosted her in their homes. Yet, not once has she had a friend stay over at our house. It’s not that invites haven’t been given; nobody’s taken us up on them. Most often, instead of the friend staying here, the parent(s) will offer to have my daughter over.
But the other night, she had her first friend stay at our house. I was so elated and grateful when my friend asked me if I would mind her young son staying at our house. To be honest, I was also shocked that someone was finally trusting me with their child overnight. Her son and my daughter attend the same school; I’d be picking them both up, have her son here overnight and then take them both to school in the morning. I thanked her for her trust profusely and told her it was the first time someone was letting their child stay at our house. She commented that maybe it was due to people not wanting to ‘burden me’ because they know I have two chronic illnesses on top of my physical disability. Yet she also made the remark that people simply aren’t aware of all that I’m capable of; they make a judgement call based on their assumptions and don’t give me the benefit of the doubt. She said she knew I could do it and wasn’t worried in the least.
I’d often wondered if the reason we hadn’t hosted another child overnight was due to my illnesses or disability. It had made me feel a little inadequate, less than and different to realize people were quick to let my daughter stay with them but never to let their child stay with us. It’s a feeling and a situation I doubt most parents experience unless they’re like me. People frequently comment that they ‘don’t know how I do it,’ ‘will help me whenever I need it’ and ‘are inspired by me’ for being a disabled single parent. But what they don’t understand is that I’m not an inspiration; I’m just a parent like them; that I don’t know any other way to do and live my life except this one so to me, it’s not harder than anyone else’s life. Yes, I need help from time to time, but everyone does. Every parent (especially single parents!) needs a break now and then. It has nothing to do with my disability. What other parents don’t realize is that I can’t imagine how they do what they do! I get worn out just watching some of my friends run around on their healthier legs or working full-time then coming home to take care of their house and family, most often with multiple children. It’s not about the life we live or how we’re living it; it’s about our perspective, which we only have through the lens of how our own lives work.
So, back to the other night: I picked the kids up from school and we chattered away excitedly in the van on the way home. They both had homework so that came first. Then I fed them dinner, let them play for a while and got them both ready for bed – teeth brushed and all! I read two books, sang them a song and left the bedroom. The next morning, I laid their uniforms out, made them breakfast, packed them both lunches and drove them to school… on time. Doesn’t that sound like what would happen in a nondisabled person’s home? Doesn’t that seem so bland, so common, so uninspiring?!?
My parental milestone flew by without flaws nor fanfare but to me, it was dazzling! It made me feel like I belonged to the parents’ club. I felt not only trusted but respected. Because my friend and her husband didn’t hesitate in allowing their son to stay with me; they didn’t question me as to whether it would ‘burden’ me or be ‘too much.’ They treated me like they do anyone else; they simply saw me as another parent. And sadly, if more of my friends and parents of my daughter’s friends would see me this way, treat me this way, I never would’ve had a milestone to begin with. It wouldn’t have taken 7 years for someone to trust me with their child; to know that I’m just as capable as any other parent; to see me as they see themselves.